Every one has there own struggles and no one struggles are greater than anyone else, we all fight our own battles some time in the open, some time hidden.
What my secret? All my family members were my bullies. My mom, brother, aunt, grandma and my dad who let it happen. In the beginning I was lead to believe it was god keeping me a float, then when you hit rock bottom on the border line of insanity from all the mind games played on you as a child, all the mean, disgusting, evil things, over and over and over. I suddenly realized No! Fuck no! Fuck God! It's me that is stronger, It's me keeping my self going. And I'm not giving some sky fairy that credit. Every day, every god dam day I had to tell my self I'm a good person, because my family was the storm of negativity and abuse. 32 years of abuse. And out of that 32 year I had no idea that I had a choice. I didn't see a way out. When you live in a world of darkness that's all you know. It's been 14 years sense my freedom, I no longer have the horrible nightmares, I don't have the strange hallucinations of spiders and other bizarre shit. No mind eye, but I had hallucinations. (??) All I can say is 32 years of flight or flight, it really fucks you up mentally and emotionally. But I am STRONGER that all of that. That is how I survived. That is how I knew a age 5 that my mom was not a rational person. That is how I knew to take everything bad and turn it around into a positive. That is why I didn't not turn to drugs, drinking or other forms of self harm.
Holding on to a lot of shit is super hard, not being able to let that shit go is even harder. Shit roller coaster. About 1 year ago I found out I have Aphantasia, maybe it's a good thing, because I can't visualize my past in my minds eye, but it's also a curse, because I don't have a happy place to visualize to pull me out of my depression, it's like being trapped in the middle. Been to counselors and it either one of two things, imagine your self in a better place........can't do that, of my favorite let god take care of your problems. LOL I don't have flash backs, my body reacts in different ways as in being super tense to the point of grinding my teeth, body aches, being way over focused and cleaning at 2 or 3 in the morning. Or just staring blankly and getting overwhelm about everything, My triggers are so overwhelming. Write a book, but were do I start?
The hardest part is being able to logic the fuck out of what going on with me, but not being able to control the depression. I have good day and I have bad days. But it's always there just waiting, silently.
So I've decided just to start writing it out, If you want to join me for fucked up roller coaster ride, strap in.
Oh and just a side note: We all have our own stories, we all have our own pain.
