Holding on to a lot of shit is super hard, not being able to let that shit go is even harder. Shit roller coaster. About 1 year ago I found out I have Aphantasia, maybe it's a good thing, because I can't visualize my past in my minds eye, but it's also a curse, because I don't have a happy place to visualize to pull me out of my depression, it's like being trapped in the middle. Been to counselors and it either one of two things, imagine your self in a better place........can't do that, of my favorite let god take care of your problems. LOL I don't have flash backs, my body reacts in different ways as in being super tense to the point of grinding my teeth, body aches, being way over focused and cleaning at 2 or 3 in the morning. Or just staring blankly and getting overwhelm about everything, My triggers are so overwhelming. Write a book, but were do I start?
The hardest part is being able to logic the fuck out of what going on with me, but not being able to control the depression. I have good day and I have bad days. But it's always there just waiting, silently.
So I've decided just to start writing it out, If you want to join me for fucked up roller coaster ride, strap in.
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